The Marriage Place

About this time two years ago, I fulfilled a dream on my bucket list — I walked the Appalachian Trail. My darling sister-in-law encouraged me to do it, and I agreed, setting off with her and a handful of other ladies, with whom I would soon become friends.. Now, before you even ask, no, we didn’t walk the whole 2,200 miles! With a family and a full-time practice, I don’t have the seven months that impressive endeavor takes. Besides, I am anything but an endurance athlete! We started our adventure at the Swift Run Gap Entrance Station and finished 4 days later, at the Thornton Gap Entrance Station. All told, we covered about 45 miles. All uphill. All in the rain. I jest…about the rain, at least. While it wasn’t literally all uphill, it did feel like it to this middle-aged, generally not-athletically inclined therapist! Nevertheless, uphill or not, those four days were a gift to me. Hiking, even with buddies, is a very solitary experience. There is a lot of time to think and r...

Did you know why 75% of divorces are initiated by women? Listen to Kim Bowen taking about Why Women Choose Divorce? Learn more —  https://themarriageplace.com/

Childhood experiences can impact our current daily life and our ability to have healthy functioning interpersonal relationships. They can also distort our perception of ourselves and others. When I am working with a couple, sometimes it is clear there are dynamics in the relationship stemming from experiences that predate the relationship. These pre-existing conditions often go unnoticed as a contributing source to the couple’s struggles – until, of course, they are pointed out by a therapist trained to recognize and address them. Our Formative Years We are all shaped into the adults we are today by our experiences during our formative years (birth to 18). Not only are our bodies physically morphing during this time, we are emotionally and developmentally morphing as well. When a child experiences trauma, it can stunt – or even halt – emotional development. So while our bodies continue to grow and we begin to look like adults, there can be components of our emotional deve...

What happens when your spouse isn’t sure they want to save the marriage or not? Should you stay or should you go? Traditional marriage counseling won’t help in this situation. In fact, it can make things worse! Discernment Counseling, also known is as “Stay-or-Go”, is about clarity. Your clarity. It is for those who are considering divorce but want to be sure this is the right path for them.  If you want to take one more look before making a permanent decision with long term consequences, Discernment Counseling is what you need. Discernment Counseling helps couples better understand what’s happened to their relationship, so they can decide whether to break up or work to repair it. It’s very different from traditional marriage or relationship counseling because this kind of counseling is not about solving the problems; it’s about figuring out whether the problems can be solved. Who needs discernment counseling? Discernment counseling is designed primarily for couples w...

I hear it often. “My spouse wants a divorce, but I don’t. What can I do?”. Are you in a marriage you want to save but your spouse is ready to call it quits? You aren’t alone. Just before a couple separates, one partner usually gets to a place where they are fed up. He/she is done talking. They don’t want to work it out. For them, it is over. But the other partner wants to save the marriage. They see their world falling apart and they begin to panic. For them, it is time to fight harder. But invariably, they do all the wrong things to try and save the marriage. In their panic and desperation, they cannot see how their actions are pushing their partner even further away. It is human nature to want to pursue what you need and want. But sometimes, you have to act opposite to your instincts in order to get what you want. There are no guarantees, and you have to remember that you cannot control the decisions your partner makes, but I’ve seen amazing things happen when one...

By the time a couple comes to counseling, there are often years of painful patterns to undo and past hurts to heal and forgive.  Some research shows it the average couple waits 6 years to get help. The sooner you catch marriage issues, the easier they are to correct.  Sometimes the relationship is on life support, and the couple is on the verge of divorce. I often help couples save their marriage, but the truth is that things could have been much easier and less painful if they had addressed the problems sooner. Prevention is almost always easier than waiting until things get bad. So how do you know when your marriage needs attention? There are a couple things you can do. First, you can go to a marriage counselor every six months and clear the attic, so to speak. You can give your marriage a periodic checkup and see if your relationship has problems that are growing unnoticed. You don’t usually know that a cavity is forming unless you see a dentist every six months a...

I love you but I’m not IN love with you. I doubt there is a marriage counselor anywhere who hasn’t heard the “I love you but…” statement more times than they could count. Some days I think it is epidemic. In my practice, I find more women come in with this complaint than men, but there have been several men as well. It saddens me because I can tell from their body language they care for each other. They are sitting close or facing each other. The one who says it doesn’t want to hurt their spouse, so this person is reluctant to explain why. The spouse is often devastated and can’t seem to get any answers to the questions of why or how or when. It is really important to see each spouse alone so I can actually find out what is going on. The “I love you but…” spouse usually isn’t going to be openly honest until I do. It all boils down to this one thing I’d like to tell you there is a quick and easy fix for this situation but it is a tough one to deal with–for both partners ...